Thoughts on Jesus and Levi from back in September

I seriously doubt that 2,000 years from now, there will be people sitting up at 2:25 in the morning, thinking about me. There aren’t even people up at 2:25 in the afternoon this year thinking about me. I wonder what could get me into the flow of thought for scholars, scientist, and lowly ministers? Maybe it’s that one amazing touch from a real and compelling messiah. That’s what happened with Levi, and God knows he didn’t deserve it anymore than I do. Levi was all luck. Can you believe that he is just sitting there one day, taking everybody’s money and getting rich off of it, and out walks Jesus, and he offers him this great invitation. Life isn’t fair. I think it might have had something to do with Jesus not being as high in demand is he is these days. There might have been hundreds or even thousands that mobbed him on a daily basis when we strolled Palestine, but that’s nothing compared to what it would be like today. Jesus would never be able to keep the same profile and still get anything done. The mayor of New Orleans would be calling for a new savior right now, he would be demanding that Jesus show up and wash away the water. Jesse Jackson would claim that Jesus was racist by sending the hurricane to New Orleans. George W Bush would swear that it was Jesus who told him there were weapons in Iraq. There would never be any peace. And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to get him to return my phone calls anymore, much less have him walk by my little tax collecting booth.

It really does seem that I should be at the party by now. Really, I can understand why people loose faith. There are some of us that want this to be our whole lives. I want my life to be that party with Jesus, but it’s just as if there is something that lacks in me that gets me to the door.

Are we on a road trip that is headed to this party? Well Jesus keeps jumping in the car with Lukas and Stevie and I’ve locked my keys out of my car. If scripture is true, then I should be able to quit being me at some point. That I should no longer live, but X live in me. I should be transformed. I should be something a little bit closer to the image of X, but I seriously think I’m farther away. I’m not feeling sorry for myself right now, I’m not depressed, I’m being realistic.

Why can’t we get over the hump? Why can’t we be remotely satisfied with our walk with Jesus? What am I not doing what I need to do to get his attention over to me? Do I need to be more obedient? How do I become more obedient? I have literally been failing at that for 23 years. Do I need to start praying more? Serving more? Exercising? Eat more green vegetables?

I guess the ccf answer this Thursday is going to be small groups. Yeah, I love them and I think they are great. I know this talk, the “lets go to the party” talk, is going to be easy if we’re talking to freshman, first timers, and branch barks. We get excited, we get inspired, we go home, and then after awhile 3^rd year Jim is on the internet again looking at porn, or 4^th year Stephanie is screwing someone, again. I feel like there is something that we’re missing, or not doing right, or I don’t know, but for people like me, we have to figure it out. We’ve got to. I need to be at this freaking party. I can’t stand another night alone in the solitude of my past, present, and certain future. I think I’m at the point where I will try anything, but sometimes I feel like I’ve tried everything. Am I the type of person that is going to start reading the Kaballah in 20 years? Or will I die of a heart attack before then? That’s a fun thought.

Anyway, I like what you said about keeping the boys busy with soccer. Seriously, that’s awesome. I think it’s bad to be left alone with nothing to do when you’re a kid. I wish I had 4 brothers and sisters, I wish my mom would have put my ass in soccer the day after I started walking, and then maybe I don’t start writing, but shit, wouldn’t it have been nice to have stuff to take your mind off the other stuff? I could have been in a family where I had to share a room with brothers, where I would never have been alone, where I would kill to feel lonely once in awhile. Ah…that would have been sweet. It would have been sweet to have been thin and swift, to reach high school and maybe be a star, instead I was too fat and slow to be anything more than really strong. Thank God that your boys have each other, and they have their sports that costs too much money, because they are worth it. Maybe 90 percent of the kids growing up don’t have a fantastic imagination, maybe they never write anything compelling, but at least they are healthy, and they usually seem to view God from a better point of view than I do. Anyway…these are ramblings, and if you made it this far…you have my respect.